October 23, 2014

Conversations with My Massage Therapist

Last night I got a much needed massage.  I love my massage therapist.  He is a hoot.  Typically when I go to get a massage I just want to sleep and not talk.  I told him that the first time I went to him.  He said ok I can do that.  That was a year ago and he hasn't stopped talking since.  He's so funny though that I really don't mind.

Some examples:

Me: Ouch!  That hurts! Too hard!
Him:  Anytime you feel any discomfort just let me know.
Me: Um, yeah, I thought I just did.
Him: Just speak up annnnnytime now.  Don't be afraid to say something.

Him (while shaking out my arm and causing all sorts of seismic activity under my sheet):  Isn't it weird that some of my clients feel uncomfortable when they're jiggling all over the place?
Me: Yeah, I was just thinking if you weren't already gay I probably just turned you.

Me (in the middle of some crazy medieval stretches): Am I covered well enough?
Him: Believe me honey, I'm not trying to look anywhere.  Nobody wants to see your kitty cat.

Me: Am I your wimpiest client?
Him:  No of course not.
A minute later
Him: But you're definitely in my top 5.
Me: Ouch

October 13, 2014

Happy Get Fatter for Free Week!

Yep, it's my birthday week.  I'm turning...well you don't need to know that.  A woman never reveals her age or her weight.  All you need to know is that I'm old, and I'm fat.

My birthday is a kind of a big deal to me. I just love the excitement of it.  I love being spoiled.  I love cake!  I mean, I REALLY LOVE CAKE!!!!  I used to have friends that don't like cake, but I didn't need that kind of negativity in my life so I unfriended them.

The best thing about birthdays is the countless emails of free food that you get.  Olive Garden. Famous Daves.  Red Robin (Yummmmmmm). Cafe Zupas.  and the list goes on. And on. And on.

Except for Thanksgiving and Christmas, it's the one week of the year that you can eat to your heart's content without the guilt.  Or the calories.  Oh, you didn't know that any calories you consume the week of your birthday don't count?  Well, now you do.  You're's my birthday gift to you!