Things I've learned this week

1. If awakened at 5:30 a.m. by the sound of a  THUD and a flash of black and white, go investigate.  You might just find your cocker spaniel with your brand new $90 shoe in his mouth.

2. If, while lying in bed trying to fall asleep at night, you hear crinkling, then several thuds, go investigate. You might just find your cocker spaniel with a bag of tomatoes on the floor.  If he then streaks past you and runs to your bedroom, you will definitely find him in there eating one of the tomatoes as fast as his little doggy face can manage.

3. The 2nd bag of coconut m&ms does not taste as good as the first bag if eaten immediately in succession.  Use a little self restraint and wait 10 minutes before moving on to the 2nd bag.

4. Some people are just going to be stupid no matter how intelligently you try to reason with them.  And those same people will most likely leave the conversation feeling that YOU are actually the stupid one.

5. My pharmacist says the insane itchiness that I feel might be due to my anxiety rather than my allergies.  That's something that might have been useful to know a year ago.

6. Rain makes corn.  Corn makes Whiskey.  Whiskey makes my baby feel a little frisky.

Dear Cupid...

I know you are a mythological character, but in my heart of hearts you do exist.  And yes, I KNOW that you usually only deliver presents to people that are either married or in a relationship of some sort, but there are a few things on my list that Santa didn't bring so I thought I'd try you out this year. I'm not exactly sure what your budget is for single gals like me, so I'll give you a few choices.

1.  Only $399 delivered from Costco!  Wouldn't these look FABULOUS on my ears?

2. Someone to do the heavy lifting (and by heavy,  I  mean me, and by lifting, I mean in to his arms!)

3.  A little more time with my gal pals for a night on the town.  Or  maybe even a date that does not include Light Sabers.

4.  A closet full of these...that don't pinch my toes or make my arches (or lack thereof) ache.  Oh, and I wouldn't mind having hot legs like that if it's in the budget.

5. A Dunkin Donuts franchise in my area.  Or at least a donut shop that can re-create the Vanilla Creme donut.  

6.  The strength to forgive someone in my life that has hurt me deeply recently.

7.  A way to freeze time...so I can hold on to those in my life that I love dearly, and to remember to cherish life's special moments.

Love always, 

Stacy

Christmas Cookie Rules

To clarify, I did not write these rules, they were sent to me in an email.  That doesn't make them any less true though!

1. If you eat a Christmas cookie fresh out of the oven, it has no calories because everyone knows that the first cookie is the test and thus calorie free.
 
2. If you drink a diet soda after eating your second cookie, it also has no calories because the diet soda cancels out the cookie calories.
 
3. If a friend comes over while you're making your Christmas cookies and needs to sample, you must sample with your friend. Because your friend's first cookie is calories free, (rule #1) yours is also. It would be rude to let your friend sample alone and, being the friend that you are, that makes your cookie calorie free.
 
4. Any cookie calories consumed while walking around will fall to your feet and eventually fall off as you move. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
 
5. Any calories consumed during the frosting of the Christmas cookies will be used up because it takes many calories to lick excess frosting from a knife without cutting your tongue.
 
6. Cookies colored red or green have very few calories. Red ones have three and green ones have five - one calorie for each letter. Make more red ones!
 
7. Cookies eaten while watching "Miracle on 34th Street" have no calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.

8. As always, cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breaking Causes calorie leakage..

9. Any cookies consumed from someone else's plate have no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to their plate. We all know how calories like to CLING!

10. Any cookies consumed while feeling stressed have no calories because cookies used for medicinal purposes NEVER have calories. It's a rule!

So, go out and enjoy those Christmas Cookies - we only get them this time of year!

Ten Essential Holiday Tips!

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit.  In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately.  Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can.  And quickly.  Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare.  In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch.  You can't find it any other time of year but now.  So drink up!  Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip?  It's not  as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something.  It's a treat.  Enjoy it.  Have one for me. Have two.  It's later than you think.  It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it.  That's the whole point of gravy.  Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on.  Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes.  Fill it with gravy.  Eat the volcano.  Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk.  If it's skim, pass.  Why bother?  It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it.  Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's.  You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.  This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound  plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge.  Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention.  They're like a beautiful pair of shoes.  If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies.  Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat.  Have a slice of each.  Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin.  Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert?  Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake?  Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost.  I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.  Re-read tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.  Remember this motto to live by: 


"Life should NOT be a journey to the  grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, drink in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a  ride!"

Have a great holiday season!

Friday Fragmnets

Got this idea from someone else's blog today...sorry that I can't remember who and attribute this to them!  Fragments of thoughts for lazy folks not wanting to take the time to write a real blog?  Giddyup!

Heard on the Radio today "You can never have too many saddle pads". I couldn't possibly disagree with that statement more.  Can't think of any reason for even one saddle pad.  Especially since at first I thought they said Saddle Pants and was clueless as to what those were.

I'm pretty sure I just saw Kid Rock at the bus stop...or at least what he will look like in 10 years.  Not pretty folks, not pretty ta-tall!

I recently realized how often I say tidbits in my blog.  Note to self:  Find new word for tidbits.

I am pretty positive I am going to regret my lunch choice today..lasagna and bread sticks from Pizza Hut.  So delicious...worth the pain I'm sure to experience in T-20 minutes?  I'll have to get back to you on that.  If I survive.

Adios  and Via Condidos is currently playing on my iTunes radio.  I am dedicating it to my gall bladder.  Sianara sucka!

I am not getting the H1N1 vaccine.  Has nobody seen "I am Legend"?  I'm just sayin'.

I hate when people start a sentence with "Is what I'm saying is".  Really people?  It's almost as bad as "We was walking to the store" and "I says I'm going to eat some chocolate".  mmmmmmmmm....chocolate.

I can't figure out how to change the wording of "Comments" on my blog.  Do you need a degree in molecular science?  Cause this little gal dropped out of college.

I am going to use my gallbladder surgery as an excuse to buy some sweatpants.  And then I am going to wear said sweatpants to work and in every aspect of my life until I absolutely cannot get away with it any longer.

Ba Deep Ba Deep Ba Deep, that's all folks!

Things I learned yesterday

Yesterday was a very informative day.  I learned or realized some interesting (to me anyway) tidbits. Here they are in  no particular order.

1. Hobby Lobby is an amazing store.  I want to find out how much they charge for rent and move in.
2. Men do not look good in sweat pants.  Especially a certain bald snarky programmer in my office who I usually refer to as The tool or the DB (nickname edited b/c I am a lady).
3. The corner Circle K stopped selling my caffeine free diet coke from the fountain.  Those morons brought in Coke Zero instead.  Fortunately they still have little ice..which I refilled for FREE in my humongous 54 oz New Moon cup that I paid 5 stinking dollars for at the movie theater a few weeks ago.
4. Tootsie Pops are gluten free.  And delicious.  And should not be bitten unless you want to break your back teeth.
5. Gluten free animal crackers are not delicious.  Although Boo Boo and Satana (the dogs) enjoyed them.  But they also eat poop, so they are not the best judges in my opinion.
6. How I Met Your Mother continues to out do itself week after week....just watched the episode where Robin and Barney got old and fat and broke up with each other.  Priceless.  Can't wait to see next week's Slap Bet..was just thinking that Marshall had been holding out for a little too long.
7. Your gall bladder is 4 cm wide and 8 cm long.  A gall stone of 1.5 cm will certainly clog up this little organ.

I hate to end a list on number 7...what a weird number...but that's all I can think of right now.  Today I meet with Dr-I-want-to-remove-your-gall-bladder-with-a-lapriscopic-thing-a-majiggy-and-charge-you-$3700-for-an-hour-of-my-time.  Maybe I'll get lucky and he'll be single and cute.  But more than likely he'll be rude, bald, and wearing sweat pants.

I have a new addiction. Reeses Peanut Butter Cup milkshakes from Iceberg. This is a problem for several reasons. The obvious ones being that I am quickly beginning to resemble a humvee tank, the blood in my veins is slowly being replaced with ice-cream, and they are expensive at $4.48 a pop.

However the less obvious problems are the most important and are also the reasons why I should never ever EVER eat these milkshakes again.

1. I am lactose intolerant
2. I am allergic to peanut butter

Ok, ok, no need to panic. I have a pill that I take that helps with the lactose thing (I want to make out with who ever invented Digestive Advantage One A Day lactose therapy - Please come forward if it was you). And the peanut butter allergy is not life threatening. It just causes a minor problem of exzema on my face, eye, hands, feet, ok just about everywhere. So I take a benadryl and rub some cortizone cream on it. And rub my eye on the carpet. No biggee...totally worth it.

I am the first to admit that I have many fears and phobias. For instance, I am a hypochondriac. If I hear of someone with an ailment, I'm constantly evaluating the symptoms to see if I might have this same ailment. I recently watched 3 back to back episodes of Mystery Diagnosis and I'm pretty darn sure that I have all 3 of those rare diseases. So what if I'm not a black man in my 50's with recent travels to Zimbabway. I could still have what he has!

I am scared senseless of mice. There is a little hole in the fence between my garden and the neighbors garden that often times in the spring plays home to a tiny little mouse. I brace myself every time and tell myself not to be afraid, but when I hear it's little feet scratching my heart stops, my feet become cement and my mind cannot make coherent thoughts, except oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh...well you get the picture.

I am VERY afraid of the dark...especially being outside in it alone. I am getting better, but there are still times, ok- every day, that I will run to the house from my car just in case someone is out there lurking in the carport.

But by far my biggest fear is of nakedness. Yes, you read that correctly...NAKEDNESS. You might think this is ridiculous, but this is a lesser known phobia and even has a name...Gymnaphobia. And no, I did not get that from Mystery Diagnosis. My whole life I have been uncomfortable with nakedness. It may have something to do with the fact that I grew up in Nakedville with the Nakedsons. My family LOVES to be naked. Except me. I don't even like to walk around naked in my own home, when I am all alone. And I'm pretty sure my dogs are judging me on the rare occassion that I do risk running from the bathroom to my bedroom after a shower.

I am currently house/dog sitting for my friend Carrie in Park City, UT. She has a nice big house that I have all to myself complete with a steam shower and a hot tub. I had not really taken advantage of either because I also do not like water on my face, especially hot water. Alene and Amber at work were making fun of me for not using the hot tub (did I mention it's outside...in the dark??) and they both said that they go in their hot tubs almost every day....NAKED. WHAT? Are they C-R-A-Z-Y? I laughed at them and told them they were weird.

But then I went home that night and was sitting around with nothing to do, because this house does not have TiVO or a DVR (how do these people LIVE here??!!) and decided it was time. I would use the hot tub. So I locked all the doors, put the dogs in the laundry room (I didn't want them judging me too), turned out all the lights, and went in the hot tub. Naked. In the dark. With hot water on my face. IT WAS LIBERATING!!! I felt alive and slightly brave. Until that is I heard some scratching, which I'm pretty sure was a mouse, so I ran back in the house and went to bed.

I love to make lists. (My favorite one is the grocery list, and then without fail I leave it at home when I go to the grocery store). Consequently my blog often tends to be of a "listy" nature. Today's list is on how I know I'm old.

1. I have recently begun sprouting blond hair on my chin.
2. My favorite place to shop is Wal-Mart
3. While I was shopping at Wal-Mart last night, I passed the electronics section and I actually said the words "Does that music HAVE to be SO LOUD"?!!
4. I can no longer watch the Real World/Road Rules challenge...I can't stand all of the fighting and the drunken escapades.
5. My friends at work were talking the other day about how they remembered the internet coming out in jr. high! I, on the other hand, did not get my first email account until I was 22.
6. I am lost when it comes to new technology. I often have to ask my co-workers to help me with facebook/my blog/iTunes radio, etc.
7. Some times I drive home and realize about 15 minutes in to the ride that I do not have the radio on. Other times I put the radio on the KSL news channel to hear the traffic and then I realize 20 minutes later that I am still listening to the news. And enjoying it!
8. I actively search for ways to incorporate more fiber in to my diet.
9. I do not understand the appeal of boys wearing girls jeans and belting them around their knees with their entire boxer shorted rear ends hanging out.
10. I had to call my friend the other day to ask how long to allow a baby to cry in his crib before I went and picked him back up.
11. I have no idea who the new young celebrities are on the red carpet and in the magazines.
12. I remember when Brad Pitt was hot.

I have many many more things that could go on this list, but I've worn myself out typing and now must go take a nap. Ooooh...that leads me to #13!

13. I have recently begun taking naps on the floor in my office in order to make it through the day.

Mimi is my sister's Chihuahua. My sister says she's my Chihuahua. I know she is not mine, because MY dog, Dandie, is an angel...the perfect addition to any family. Mimi is a terror in doggy form. We like to call her Satana...as in the doggy spawn of Satan.

Mimi is N-A-U-G-H-T-Y!!! She brings new meaning to this word. She goes to the bathroom in the house whenever she feels like it. She gets her nose in to EVERYTHING! She climbs up on the kitchen table (coffee table, window sills, bathtub...whatever you leave open) and rummages through things. Today Jen called me and said that Mimi dragged an entire bag of garbage out of Jen's bath tub (where she hid it so that Mimi would not get in to it), knocking over a gallon sized shampoo bottle all over the floor.

Mimi is also dog aggressive. She has tried to take down a neighborhood pit bull. She fights with the neighbors cocker spaniel through the fence. She has terrorized any poor foster dog that we dare to bring in to our loving home.

Mimi's biggest problem is that she eats things. Bad things...EXPENSIVE things!

Things Mimi has eaten:

• A hair brush (the day after we said we'd adopt her...cost us $1000 for emergency surgery, to find out she had already passed it).
• Too many shoes to count...including Jen's $70 shoes and $150 shoes, and 3 of my Ann Taylor flip flops...all in the same day
• My underwear
• Dryer Sheats
• The bathroom garbage
• A prescription bottle (thankfully empty)
• A box of tic-tacs...including the plastic box
• Cherry Menthol Cough Drops
• Numerous cd cases
• Bandaids
• Poop (GROSS!)
• 12 oz of Williams Sonoma Peppermint Bark (this almost killed her last week)
• And the list goes on.

One day Mimi might find herself out on the streets. We will tie her belongings to a stick with a bandana and send her on her merry way. But for now, we keep working with her and loving her. We are taking her to Doggy Boot Camp in a couple of weeks to work on her behavior and teaching her boundaries.

People (my Dad especially) ask why we don't feed her to a shark or "accidentally" leave the door open. We cannot explain why we love her so much. She's like the old nursery ryhme...When she is good...she is very very good. But when she is bad...she is horrid! But seriously, how can you not love her when you wake up to this.....

Things I am thankful for

1. My sister. She is my best friend. I love her with all of my heart. She takes great care of me, makes yummy dinners, keeps the house clean and makes me laugh daily.
2. My parents. Even though I was a monster of a teenager, they raised me right and taught me so many valuable lessons that made me who I am today.
3. My dogs. It may seem silly, but they bring light and happiness to my life...so much joy can be found from unconditional love...now if only they'd let me sleep through the night...even just once!
4. My friends. They love me for me, and tolerate my faults. They have accepted me in to their families and share their family time, homes and lives with me.
5. My freedom to choose. To choose anything. To choose a President of our country. To choose right over wrong. To choose what kind of person I want to be, what morals and values I want to have, where I live, where I work, what religion I practice.
6. My Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. For the blessings in my life that have been given to me and for those that I have not yet received. For the knowledge that this life is just a test. That I have the ability to repent for my mistakes and will be forgiven. That some day I can live with my family again in Heaven.

Happy Thanksgiving to all, and may you remember to be thankful every day of your life.

Things I need an intervention for

I have a problem. I have an addictive personality. (I blame my mother). My vices, in no particular order, are:

1. Oreos
2. Kit Kat bars
3. Caffeine free diet coke, 1 squirt of lime, and the delicious little ice from the corner Circle K
4. Ice-cream...any kind really, but particularly peppermint at this time of year (scooped on top of a warm brownie with crumbled up oreos....mmmmmmmm!)
5. Warm Brownies with peppermint ice-cream and crumbled up oreos
   
6. Rescuing (and subsequently adopting) dogs
7. Facebook
8. Oreos
9. Paradise Bakery Cookies
10. Jon and Kate plus 8
11. Wearing sweat pants to work
12. Planning vacations that I will never EVER be able to afford
13. Cookbooks
14. Driving around town looking for the cheapest gas
15. Blogging when I am supposed to be working
    

Will someone please contact A&E television and ask them if they can do an intervention episode on any (ok all) of these problems???

Today as I was painting my fingernails a really REALLY dark red, which looks black, I realized that perhaps I am too old to pull that off. Which led me to wonder what else am I too old to do? Here's what I came up with:

1. Wear black looking fingernail polish (the fact that I borrowed it from my 22 year old roommate should have been my first clue).
2. Wear my hair in a pony tail every day (I try to only do it 2x a week now)
3. Not Vote. On the radio today they were looking for the oldest person who voted for the first time today. The response (though I suspect it was a joke) was an 84 year man named Joel. Now granted, this is only the 2nd election I've ever voted at, but come on people....if you don't vote, you have no right to complain!
4. Sleep in til 8:30 on a work day. (according to my sister anyway...I see no problem with it).
5. Change diapers. No explanation needed
6. Listen to rap music...it hurts my ears truly! (when did I turn in to my grandmother)?
7. Say "That's just how I roll". (I think I can pull this off, but according to my friend Cat, I am too old, and too white. She's only 24...what does she know? She doesn't even vote!!)

Things I hope I am NEVER too old to do:
1. Eat brownies for breakfast and cereal for dinner
2. Work in my garden
3. Be a friend to all. I DO NOT want to be a crabby old lady!
4. Enjoy a good dirty joke