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November 4, 2010

TMI? Probably...

So the big news of the week is I passed my kidney stone yesterday...or at least most of it!  YAY ME!

It was embarrassingly tiny for the amount of pain that it caused.  I think calling it a stone is a bit presumptuous.  They should call it a kidney speck.  Or a kidney smudge.  Or a kidney-if-you-blink-you-will-miss-it-in-the-pee-strainer-thingy.  Though I guess none of those names command the kind of respect that the word "stone" does.

Anyway, I passed the stone but still felt really crappy and was worried that I might have an infection so I went in to work for a couple of hours yesterday and then went to the Dr.  Dr A said I probably only passed part of it and to keep drinking water til I felt like I would puke.  Really?  Water? I can think of many other things I'd rather consume until the verge of puking.  Cookies. Brownies. Ice-cream. Lasagna. Cookies. (Ooh!  That reminds me!  I have cookies in my purse!  Nom Nom Nom!).

So I tried to keep up with my water therapy last night, but really, after you eat 5 a couple pillsbury ready bake sugar cookies for dinner, there's only so much room for water.  I popped another flocase (designed for men with enlarged prostates.  Which I guess is fitting since the mailman thinks I'm a Mr. Anyway)) and swigged another case bottle of water.

Around 4 a.m., in the midst of a Sister Wives Marathon (creepily addictive) I got up for my 987th trip to the bathroom to pee my little guts out.  As I was sitting on the pot, minding my own beeswax, this spider came running at me at breakneck speed!  I panicked because here I was cornered, caught literally with my (under)pants down!  Around my ankles no less!  I didn't have the time (or the manual dexterity for that matter...you know, naked butt and all) to grab a shoe so I just grabbed a piece of toilet paper and squished him.

Or so I thought.  That little bugger was speedy and shot back out of the inadequate piece of TP.  But I was faster and turned again and caught him!  Ha!  Squashed him dead!  I threw the TP in the toity and continued on with my business.  Which really was just #1 people, but the whole spider incident was making it take longer.

Suddenly I felt something running across my bum!  AAAAAAGH IT'S THE SPIDER!!!!!!THERE'S A SPIDER ON MY ARSE!  HELP ME RHONDA!!!

Oh my gosh, breathe!  BREATHE!  No, No, of course it wasn't the spider.  It was just a little run away pee since I stood up in the whole process to catch that damn arachnid.

But it freaked me out for a second.  I mean, really.  Could you imagine the call to my Dr if it really had been?  Um, Hi, Yes, this is Stacy, I was in there earlier today?  Yeah, um, well I passed the stone, but now I have a bigger problem.  It has 8 legs and 4 eyes.  Should I go to the ER again?

Is this really my life?

4 comments:

  1. HILARIOUS!!!! You're so kind to share your misfortune! I needed that laugh!

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  2. OMG - I am dying laughing over here. Not AT you, but WITH you. You are laughing, aren't you?? :)

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  3. Ha ha ha ha.... but I would have been like you.
    Thanks for the laugh...hope you feel better soon

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  4. You know what that spider was!?!?!?! An "aggressive house spider." Seriously. I had one chase me down in in the bathroom when I was in high school, and no one believed me! Google it.

    Oh, man, if I thought one of those was running across my buttocks - I would definitely end up in the ER! Ha ha ha.....

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