Conversations with My Massage Therapist

Last night I got a much needed massage.  I love my massage therapist.  He is a hoot.  Typically when I go to get a massage I just want to sleep and not talk.  I told him that the first time I went to him.  He said ok I can do that.  That was a year ago and he hasn't stopped talking since.  He's so funny though that I really don't mind.

Some examples:

Me: Ouch!  That hurts! Too hard!
Him:  Anytime you feel any discomfort just let me know.
Me: Um, yeah, I thought I just did.
Him: Just speak up annnnnytime now.  Don't be afraid to say something.

Him (while shaking out my arm and causing all sorts of seismic activity under my sheet):  Isn't it weird that some of my clients feel uncomfortable when they're jiggling all over the place?
Me: Yeah, I was just thinking if you weren't already gay I probably just turned you.

Me (in the middle of some crazy medieval stretches): Am I covered well enough?
Him: Believe me honey, I'm not trying to look anywhere.  Nobody wants to see your kitty cat.

Me: Am I your wimpiest client?
Him:  No of course not.
A minute later
Him: But you're definitely in my top 5.
Me: Ouch

Happy Get Fatter for Free Week!

Yep, it's my birthday week.  I'm turning...well you don't need to know that.  A woman never reveals her age or her weight.  All you need to know is that I'm old, and I'm fat.

My birthday is a kind of a big deal to me. I just love the excitement of it.  I love being spoiled.  I love cake!  I mean, I REALLY LOVE CAKE!!!!  I used to have friends that don't like cake, but I didn't need that kind of negativity in my life so I unfriended them.

The best thing about birthdays is the countless emails of free food that you get.  Olive Garden. Famous Daves.  Red Robin (Yummmmmmm). Cafe Zupas.  and the list goes on. And on. And on.

Except for Thanksgiving and Christmas, it's the one week of the year that you can eat to your heart's content without the guilt.  Or the calories.  Oh, you didn't know that any calories you consume the week of your birthday don't count?  Well, now you do.  You're welcome...it's my birthday gift to you!

Addicted to Love

I have a new boyfriend.  My sister introduced me to him about a year ago.  She was really into him for a while but soon lost interest and passed him on to me.

His name is Bubble Witch Saga.

Seriously though.  I've got a problem.  I can't stop playing.  It's all I think about.  It's the first thing I reach for on my phone in the morning and the last thing I do before bed.  I dream about it at night.  I think about strategies while waiting for lives to renew.  I find myself feeling grateful that it's slow at work so i can play it on my phone AND on my work computer.

Do they have 12 step programs for this?

Help me!!

Santa is Delicious

My sister and I moved in to our house a little over 5 years ago.  Though we always decorate for Christmas, in that time we have never put up a Christmas tree. This is for several reasons, but more specifically the last 3 years because of our little terror angel Mimi the Wonder Chihuahua.

The first year that we had this little bundle of satan, she ate a Christmas wreathe.  Not just nibbled....devoured. Destroyed.  Have you seen the birthing scene from the new Twilight movie yet?  It was something akin to that.  Styrofoam, needles, ribbon were scattered all throughout the upstairs...even stuck to the ceiling.  It was then and there that we decided no Christmas tree for us!

This year however, my sister bought a pre-lit Christmas tree that she's been coveting for 3 years and so we decided to go ahead and try it.  Mimi is almost 4 now and hasn't really eaten anything too detrimental lately.  We set up the tree last Saturday, plugged in the lights, put up the garland, and decided to wait til the next day to see how she did with it.  Surprisingly she showed absolutely no interest.  So on Sunday we put up the ornaments.

Every day we come home we check to make sure the tree is still standing.  So far everything has been intact!

.........Until this morning.

As I walked by Mimi's chair I happened to look down at her collection of stuffed toys that she keeps close watch on.  Sitting on the very tippy top, under her little paw, was a little stuffed Santa ornament.  I couldn't help but laugh.  Since the tree was in tact and there was no sign of mischief, I imagine her sitting on her throne, checking out the target, choosing her intended victim and then ever so delicately slipping Mr. Clause off the tree with her sneaky little teeth.

She's a naughty one all right....but oh does she keep us laughing!

Wordless Wednesday - Have you missed me?

Doing the Can Can

Lately I've been hit by the domestic stick.  Which is better than being hit by the ugly stick, but still quite painful.


Last year I decided to can for the first time.  Ok, to be honest, 2 years ago I decided to can for the first time.  I made some questionable raspberry jam and some really nasty applesauce.  They were both so horrible that we're just going to pretend it never even happened.  This is my blog so I can do what I wanna do.


So last year I decided to can for the first time.  I bought a book of canning recipes and did a lot of research on line.  And bought a really lot of fruit. I had some success with canned peaches and apple sauce, which I dubbed cracklesauce because it was just that addictive.


I started stalking reading food blogs and became obsessed with more interested in learning about the process.    I've hounded my old lady friends and stocked up on tips and suggestions.  I enlisted my friend Amy (since my sister could not be less interested in canning) and over labor day weekend created the following masterpiece:

 In case you are wondering, that would be:


Canned Peaches, peach sorbet (heaven), frozen peaches, salsa, tomato sauce, canned tomatoes, peach jam, triple berry jam and raspberry peach freezer jam.  Not pictured is jalapeno jelly and another round of cracklesauce.


It was a lot of hard work but I loved doing it.  I have a couple more things I want to make before I pack up my supplies for the season.  Whatever will I do to keep myself busy this fall?  


I need to learn a new talent.


Oh, and remember when I said my sister could not be less interested?  I have proof ala her recent facebook post.


"I think my sister is trying to be the next "Pioneer Woman." First the obsession with gardening...now with canning...what's next? Sewing our own clothes and chasing chickens around the yard with a hatchet and a cry of "Here, chickie, chickie?""


Smart aleck.

I Always Feel Like Somebody's Watching Me

Does anyone remember that song from the 80s?  It was a gooder, for sure!

This morning I was out watering the plants in the back corner of my yard.  It's in a very shaded area, with my neighbor's pine tree covering a lot of it.  As I was standing there, lost in my thoughts, humming along to Ke$ha, I felt like someone was looking at me. 

I looked up and gasped as I saw this peaking out from the trees.

Yes, it was Stealth Kitty...watching my every move!  I got a good chuckle and then of course grabbed my camera phone.  SK played peak a boo for a few minutes, slowly poking his head back up and then down again.  Then he got tired of the game and crept away.

A Hilarious Email Exchange

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.19pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Overdue account

Dear David, Our records indicate that your account is overdue by the amount of $233.95. If you have already made this payment please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.
Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles
********************************************************************************
From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.37pm
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane, I do not have any money so am sending you this drawing I did of a spider instead. I value the drawing at $233.95 so trust that this settles the matter.
Regards, David.


********************************************************************************
From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.07am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Overdue account

Dear David,
Thank you for contacting us. Unfortunately we are unable to accept drawings as payment and your account remains in arrears of $233.95. Please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.
Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles
********************************************************************************
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.32am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,
Can I have my drawing of a spider back then please.
Regards, David.
********************************************************************************
From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.42am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Overdue account

Dear David,
You emailed the drawing to me. Do you want me to email it back to you?
Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles
********************************************************************************
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.56am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,
Yes please.
Regards, David.
********************************************************************************
From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 12.14pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account

Attached

********************************************************************************
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 09.22am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Whose spider is that?
Dear Jane,
Are you sure this drawing of a spider is the one I sent you? This spider only has seven legs and I do not feel I would have made such an elementary mistake when I drew it.
Regards, David.
********************************************************************************
From: Jane Gilles
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.03am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Whose spider is that?
Dear David,
Yes it is the same drawing. I copied and pasted it from the email you sent me on the 8th. David your account is still overdue by the amount of $233.95.
Please make this payment as soon as possible.
Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles
********************************************************************************
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.05am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Automated Out of Office Response
Thankyou for contacting me.
I am currently away on leave, traveling through time and will be returning last week.
Regards, David.
********************************************************************************
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.08am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?
Hello, I am back and have read through your emails and accept that despite missing a leg, that drawing of a spider may indeed be the one I sent you. I realise with hindsight that it is possible you rejected the drawing of a spider due to this obvious limb ommission but did not point it out in an effort to avoid hurting my feelings. As such, I am sending you a revised drawing with the correct number of legs as full payment for any amount outstanding. I trust this will bring the matter to a conclusion.
Regards, David.

********************************************************************************
From: Jane Gilles
Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 2.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?
Dear David,
As I have stated, we do not accept drawings in lei of money for accounts outstanding. We accept cheque, bank cheque, money order or cash. Please make a payment this week to avoid incurring any additional fees.
Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles
********************************************************************************
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 3.17pm
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?
I understand and will definitely make a payment this week if I remember. As you have not accepted my second drawing as payment, please return the drawing to me as soon as possible. It was silly of me to assume I could provide you with something of completely no value whatsoever, waste your time and then attach such a large amount to it.
Regards, David.
********************************************************************************
From: Jane Gilles
Date: Tuesday 14 Oct 2008 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?
Attached

I'm Confused About the Nipples

A few weeks ago I had the blessed experience of passing a 2nd kidney stone.  So fun.

Anyway, one night my kidney must have been hurting particularly badly while I was sleeping because I had the following dream:

I was on a cruise with my family and I got called in to the ship's doctor's office.  They had received an emergency transmission from my doctor back home with my x-ray results.  I had been diagnosed with a terminal kidney disease.  My kidneys were filling up with tiny little nipples and creating a blockage.  I was astounded! (It was particularly hard for me to hear because I am allergic to the word nipples.  And any other embarrassing female body part for that matter). I asked her to clarify, "Did you say N-I-P-P-L-E-S?"  She said "Yes, Nipples.  It's Extremely rare!"

The prognosis was not good.  This extremely rare disease was going to kill me in 19 - 99 years.  And I could no longer eat any food.  None.  No Food! Ever! Again!  They needed to immediately hook me up to a food drip.  I argued with the nurse that I had already eaten breakfast so I didn't need it today, and that I was on a cruise ship filled with food!  Couldn't I just have the drip for breakfast and lunch and eat a sensible dinner?  The obvious answer was no.  Drastic measures had to be taken immediately.

So, like any girl who loves cake would do, I woke up crying.  It took me a minute to realize it was just a crazy dream. 

As I was telling my sister about it, we were able to understand most of it.  We had gone to a bbq the night before and talked about the cruise and how amazing the food was.  We had also discussed buying slim fast at Costco that same day and you know their policy...a shake for breakfast and lunch and 1 sensible meal for dinner.  My sister then said "Well, I guess it all makes sense.  But I'm still confused about the nipples".

I said "Well sister, It's extremely rare!"  Which has now become our new catch phrase.

New Office Policy

Effective June 1, 2011  

NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturdays & Sundays.  

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere. 

The Management

Friday Food For Thought

 

 

They Found Me!!!

Apparently my taking 2 1/2 weeks and then some off work was unacceptable,
because guess who showed up at my house today?

What the Duck, dude?  There is no pond or lake ANYWHERE NEAR MY HOUSE!!!! 

I don't know how they found my house, but I considered putting them in my car and taking them back to work with me.  Because they obviously tracked me from there!  

It's not just me right?  That's creepy?!

She's Alive! Alive!

Hello Friends!

I've survived my surgery, and I'm starting to get my funny back.  I will be posting again real quick like!

My mom has been in town for 5 weeks and has helped me out immeasurably.  She leaves tomorrow and I'm pretty sure I will fall apart without her.  If only my dumb dad didn't have to have a dumb job and they didn't have to live so dumb far away!

Ok, my dad isn't dumb. 

But I will miss my Mommy!

The Boys are Back in Town

And by the Boys, I mean......


The Geese. 

But there's no cool song that talks about Geese.  Except maybe Geese Lightening (insert collective inward groan here).

So anyway, a few weeks ago I was having a really bad day.  The kind that only mint chocolate cake from Harmon's can fix.  As I drove in to the parking lot I had to stop to let 3 geese cross my path.  That should have been my first clue.  I walked in to Harmon's and guess what.....No Mint Cake!  Agh!  Curses!

I walked around the store in a funk, not sure what to do.  Because honestly, I really wanted that Mint Cake. And once I get a craving in my head, no amount of other food is going to cut it.  I can't remember what I ended up with.  Something gross I'm sure.

As I drove back to work, I remembered that the geese had also been the parking lot that morning as I got out of my car.  So I hate to say it, but really, those geese caused my terrible horrible no good very bad day.

Today as I was walking in to work I heard a crazy amount of honking.  I looked up, expecting to see them flying over head.  But instead they were sitting along the roof of my building!  Like Gargoyles, guarding the building.  It was seriously creepy!  Even the dude walking in with me said he had never seen that before.

Fortunately I kept the following thought to myself :"Holy crap!  How on earth did they get up there?". 

Duh.  Geese fly.  I mean, really, I was seconds away from saying this out loud and looking like a complete ignoramus!

And of course I walked in to work and was immediately met with bad news.


Why do they hate me?


And now I want mint cake.  Damn Geese.

Happy St Patty's Day

May you find a pot of gold at the end of your rainbow!

Unfortunately, I only seem to find gay men at the end of mine.

Things you don't expect to hear

I have had many strange conversations over the past couple of weeks.  Some have been fantastically strange in a hysterical, "Oh my gosh, did you JUST say that?!!!" kind of way.  Others have been so terrifyingly sadly strange in a hushed "Oh my gosh, did you just say that?" kind of way.

It's interesting to stand back and look at the lives of those around us and see both the struggles and triumphs that happen to ourselves, our friends and our acquaintances.

Here is a sampling of actual things that people have said to me recently:

"I am finally pregnant!!! (from 2 different friends that have both been trying for several months!)
"My husband has colon cancer"
"Would you think it was weird if you were getting a massage and your massage therapist took her shirt off?"
"I don't know why I don't just slit my wrists and end it all now"
"All I wanna do is a zooma zoom zoom and a boom boom"
"Funeral services for my sister will be held at...."
"Oh you're having a hysterectomy?!  I had one in November...you'll LOVE it!" (she really was serious)
"My co-worker said her house burned down.  And then it burned down again a week later"

And my favorite....

Me to a lady at church in a cast: "What happened?!  Did your husband throw you down the stairs?"
Her response:  "Oh, I was bit by a camel"

Yes...Really.

In the blink of an eye....

Yesterday I received some shocking news.

At 38 years old, I am having a hysterectomy.

I knew I was having problems, which is why I went to the doctor in the first place.

But this was not the answer I expected.

I talked with the doctor and laughed and joked. 

While my insides were screaming.

And the tears were fighting against their natural instinct to pour down my face.

As I called my mom I couldn't hold it in anymore.  I started sobbing.  And had to pull the car over.

Then I had to get on with my day.  Go to work.  Tell my boss.  Email friends.

Breathe.

Pray.

Eat lots of chocolate.

Today I feel calm, though slightly more numb.

I feel this is the right decision.

Though the knowledge that I will never have children is crushing.

Breathe.

Pray some more.

I know Heavenly Father is sending me comfort through the peace that I feel.

And through the words of kindness from my friends and family.

I know it's all right to cry some more.

And eat more chocolate.

A little seriousness on a Tuesday night

Reading my friend Rebecca Jo's blog tonight (er...I guess this morning since it's 1:08 a.m.....go to bed Stacy!), I found this line in her blog about attending a worship seminar with jr high kids from her church.

In talking about them doing service for one another:

"It made my heart just smile... can only imagine what it did to God's."

I love it.   I wish I spent more time doing things that would make God smile.  Never too late to make a goal, right?  I'm on it!

Thanks RJ for being a great example of how to be the Lord's Servant. Your church group is blessed to have you, and I feel blessed to call you a friend, even though we've never met in real life.

Things I really SHOULD be doing

I really should be at Walmart right now picking up my prescription, but I know I'd also buy a box or 20 of fudge covered mint oreos because I just saw them on someone else's blog and now I've got a fever for the flavor.

I really should be unpacking from my cruise....because I've been home for a month, and that's just plain embarrassing.

I really should be working out.  Or at least thinking about working out.  But my fatness makes me too tired, and my too tiredness makes me not want to work out.

I really should be preparing for my primary presidency meeting tomorrow night because I've got several things that need to be discussed.  BUT so far the only plan I've made is for us all to meet at Lanta's Frozone because a) I love my friend Lanta, and b) tomorrow's flavor of the day is Peppermint, and I REALLY loves me some peppermint frozen custard.

I really should be doing laundry because I've already worn these jeans to work twice this week and it's only Wednesday.  And the other day that I wore them was....yesterday.  shhhh.....

I really should be emptying the dishwasher because my sister hates to do it and she does so many nice things for me all the time.  And she's working late tonight.  But I had to play Zuma Blitz on facebook for an hour because she has totally hijacked the game from me and this is my only time to use the computer.

So in order to go to bed feeling good about myself, I'm going to do one thing on this list.

I'm going to go get me some fudge covered mint oreos.

Another One Bites the Dust

This is our new living room rug.

 Isn't it so cute?

This is Mimi the Wonder Chihuahua on her very expensive Dog Bed

 

Isn't she so precious?

This is the spot where Mimi the Wonder Chihuahua 

christened the new rug 2 days after we got it

 I'm gonna miss that dog.