We don't need no stinkin' locksmith

This past weekend my sister and I were lucky enough to go visit our parents for Christmas. On Christmas Eve We were able to visit with cousins we hadn't seen since 2009 (aka the summer of death) and had a great time catching up. My cousin brought her 4 year old daughter who regaled us with hours of endless entertainment. I was reminded of just exactly how magical Christmas is in the eyes of a little one. The weekend was fabulous...We were spoiled rotten with great gifts and amazing food and tons and tons of love.

I have limited (read: zero) vacation time left so I was forced to come home after just a couple of days. My sister was lucky enough to stay a few days longer. As I was packing to go home, I transferred the stuff from my purse in to my new purse that my sister had given me for Christmas. After checking to see that my flight was on time, my family dropped me off at the airport.

Of course by the time I walked up to my departing gate, my flight was delayed. By almost 2 hours. Crap. I had forgotten my cell phone at home and had also insisted to my sister that I did not need the 2nd iPod. So here I was...stranded at the airport with nothing to entertain me and no way to reach everyone to let them know.

I sat. And sat. And tried to sleep. And sat. And eavesdropped. And watched a little football. And died of boredom. And sat some more.  FINALLY it was time to go.  I rushed off to the bathroom, and realized I left my keys in my old purse at my parents house.  NOOOOOOOO!!!!  DOUBLE CRAP!  Now what.  I borrowed a good semaritan's cell phone and called my sister to let her know.

Lucky for me I now had a 2 hours plane ride to worry. And fret.  And stew.  And surprisingly not swear about it.  And then, like a glorious light bulb in my head, DING!  I remembered I had forgotten to lock my bathroom window.

My friend Amy was waiting to take me home and had heard the story from my sister.  I informed her that we were going to try to break in!  She laughed hysterically.  I suggested maybe we'd have my neighbor's kid crawl in the window for us.  Did I mention it was dark? And 20 degrees?  And it was really foggy and had just snowed?

When we got to my house, my neighbor let us borrow a flashlight and a ladder.  And her husband, Josh.  Who has saved me from more than one embarrassing predicament in my lifetime.

We (he) tried the kitchen window.  Locked.  Dang.  Then we tried the bathroom window.  OPEN!  YAY!  Did I mention that this window is tiny?  And I am not?  And neither is Josh?  Triple Crap.  I suggested he go get his 7 year son and he just laughed.  And laughed. And laughed.  hmmm....

5 foot Amy stepped up to the plate.  She climbed up the ladder...at least 12 feet in the air.  She slid that window open.  She catapulted her leg onto the window sill, knocking off all my shampoo and conditioner bottles in the process.  She hurled herself through the tiny window like Mary Lou Retten.  I only wish I had been inside to see the dismount!  She went around to the front door...and we were IN!!!

Now if only the keys to my car weren't also in California on that same key chain.  There it was, parked behind my sister's car in the driveway.  Did you know that you can't put a car in neutral and push it out of the driveway if you don't have the key?  Yeah, me neither.  Que Josh to the rescue..once again!  He backed up my sisters car and drove it out the side of the carport, drove it across my neighbors lawn and on to my driveway.  Saved at last.

It was a Christmukkah Miracle I tell you!

I am so grateful that I have great friends and neighbors willing to break in to my house for me.  And now my windows are all locked and alarmed...guess I'd better take that extra key to my neighbors for me!

Oh yeah...Amy texted me later to tell me she pulled a muscle during her gymnastics routine.  Bill me!

A True Friend

A true friend is someone who will take your oreo cookies out of your coat pocket when you get to work and ration them out to you throughout the day.  And even though you might protest at first, it actually is nice to get a little surprise every couple of hours rather than be out of cookies by 10:00 a.m.

Though if you are really smart you will eat 4 oreos before you even get to work, just in case some cookie nazi takes over your stash.

Not that I'm speaking from experience or anything.

Granny Master Flash

Thursday night I was working at job numero dos and having a merry old time.  There were Christmas songs on the radio and the flow of people was relatively steady.  Which is nice when you are at your 2nd job for the day and you are pooped and really just want to go home.  The slooooooooowww nights just make you want to die.

So this little old lady wanders in and says she's looking for a dress.  I show her around the store at a snail's pace, trying to match my shuffle to hers, and then deposit her in the dressing room, promising to check on her in a few minutes.

Suddenly there are more people in the store than my little co-worker and I can manage and we get stuck at the register for the next 30 minutes.  I figure Grandma has left by now but I ask my manager to go back and check on her.  Her daughter and granddaughter had since shown up and they were helping her now.

About 15 minutes later I go in to check on her and she opens the dressing room door in a dress 2 sizes too large, which is hanging off her poor little old lady body.   I say "Oh dear, that's way too big, let's try on a smaller size".  She says Ok and proceeds to take the dress off.  In front of me.  And the open door way.  And the entire dressing room.  And part of the hallway.  And I wanted to die. 

Fortunately her granddaughter stepped up to the plate and helped her out of the dress, closing the door slightly. Oh so very slightly.  I happily ran out of the dressing room screaming left to check on another customer and gathered my wits about me.  (You do remember that I fear nakedness, right?)

Finally we find a dress for the streaker Grandma and off she goes.  Probably to show her underwears to some other poor unsuspecting sales girl in a different store.

About an hour later my manager says to me, "Oh by the way.  Thanks a lot for making me check on that old lady. She totally flashed me in her granny panties and bra".  I got a good chuckle out of that and was relieved that I wasn't the only one that had to endure the terrible vision that still haunts me to this day.

Katy's Quotes of the Day

Katy (out loud):  Wait.  I think I'm stupid.

um...ok.


Me: Do you think 7:30 p.m. is too late to call someone?
Katy:  Depends on where they live.

Um...really?

And yes, she is blonde.  Click here for more of Katy's funnys

An Award? For moi??

A few months ago I was given an award by the Beehive Blog.  I was honored (she said my blog makes her giggle) and promised to follow up on it.  And....I forgot.

So here I am, several months later, ready to get on it like blue bonnet.

The rules are:

• Thank the person who gave you the award.  (I did back in August...does that count? Prob not!)
• Share seven things about yourself.
• Give this award out to 15 other bloggers that you think are fabulous, interesting and deserving.
• Contact each of the bloggers you chose.

And now for 7 things you never wanted to know about me:

1.  I am addicted to cleaning my ears with Q-Tips.  I do it every day.  Sometimes I do it twice or three times.  I love the feeling of it.  I am a very itchy person.  And this is much better than making that crazy pig noise with your throat while trying to scratch your brain through your ear drums.
2.  I gave up caffeine 10 years ago.  I just decided I didn't need it anymore.  Until about 4 months ago.  Since then I've needed it every day.  Sometimes twice or three times. (hmm...I'm seeing a pattern here).
3.  I think mean thoughts about at least one person a day. Not always the same person either.
4.  I feel super intimidated by teenage boys.  I think it's a throw back to my high school days.  I hate when I'm driving by a car of them and they look at me and make a funny face or whatever.  I try to just look straight ahead and take deep breaths.
5.  Just this week my dentist told me that I am doing great with my home care and to not change a thing.  I didn't mention that I don't always brush my teeth before going to bed.  Or that I haven't flossed in 92 years.
6.  I  used to wash my dogs every week.  Now they're lucky if they get a bath in between their grooming appointments every 6-8 weeks.  They really smell right now.
7.  I have an unhealthy obsession with twins.  They fascinate me. I just think it's so weird to see 2 people that look EXACTLY alike.  One day at Costco I saw 4 different sets of twins, and it freaked the crap right out of me.

Ok...now to pass this on to 15 bloggers.  Wait, what???15???  That's crazy!  I know I don't have 15 people that will pass this on, but here are some of my faves that I try to read often.  Or at least when I DO read them they make me smile (and sometimes snort).

Em @ Heart and Hairspray
My home girl Kimi @ Live Laugh Love your Guts
Cindy @ Full of Lite
Lisa @ That's What She Said
LeAnna @ Thoughts and Whatnots
Jill @ Jill's Real Life
Julie @ Julie's Scribbles
Rebecca Jo @ Knit by God's Hand
Foxy @ The Fox Den
Salt @ Salt Says
Krista @ Double Dipped Life

TMI Tuesday

This past Saturday was a busy busy day.  Went to a baptism at church, bought some new shoes, then worked a 6 hour shift.  As my shift got closer to ending I started feeling light headed and nauseous.  I had had a little bit of the flu on Thanksgiving, and so I figured it was because I hadn't eaten much in the past 3 days and waved it off.  After work, I Drove up the canyon with my sis to use her gift certificate to a fancy over priced French Restaurant (featured on Sister Wives!....sadly they weren't there) and had shrimp cocktail and dessert.  On the way back down the canyon I was really feeling sick but figured it was from being in the car and the twisty road.  By this time it was almost 10 pm and I still hadn't really eaten anything all day except the shrimp and dessert.
We decided to stop at WinnCo and get some groceries because they were giving away some free eats. 

The air outside smelled terrible due to being down wind from a sewage treatment plant.  I made a semi-joke about it making me want to throw up.  As we walked in to the store we ran in to our neighbor Josh.  I asked if his wife was there, and he said that he left her alone with the kids.  We joked that he was sneaking beer and that he was going to share it with us.

All of sudden I knew I really was going to puke.  I told my sister in a panic and ran to the bathroom which fortunately was close to the entrance.

Warning...this is gonna be gross.....hence the title. :)

I barely made it in to the stall....and Cue the Projectile Vomit.  Seriously, it was like the pie eating contest scene from Stand By Me.  Except I was the only one there.  Same amount of puke, less people.  Let me tell you...it was everywhere.  The floor.  The walls.  The seat.  My jacket.  My skirt.  My brand new $105 shoes.  In fact the only place that it didn't get on was my hair.  Not sure how that happened.

I tried to clean up as best as I could and had to tell some poor young girl at the customer service counter.  She tried to make me feel better but I could tell she was none too happy about the clean up job she was going to have to do.  And I was absolutely mortified.

Luckily my sister was close by and we were able to go home soon after.  She was so sweet to me and washed my clothes and everything.  I then spent all day Sunday in bed.  I am finally feeling better, and hope to never repeat this episode again.

P.S. My sister is appalled that I wrote this post.  She even made me edit and leave some stuff out.  She says I am bringing shame upon our family name.  Sheesh...Amateur.

3 little pumpkins

Tasty Tuesday - Peppermint kiss brownie bites

Welcome to another addition of Tasty Tasty.  You know, the one where I steal someone else's recipe and post it on my own site, like I'm some sort of baking genius?

Today's recipe is one that I stole from Jocelyn at InsideBruCrewLife and modified a little because I'm not a huge pumpkin fan.  So I used the white and pink peppermint kisses.  SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Delicious!!!!!

Click on the link above for the recipe.  It's totally easy, and delicious!

Here's a copy of her picture to get your other senses involved......  Now go make these yourself!

Food for the Soul

I saw this sign this morning on my way to work, in front of a Presbyterian church. 

"Wisdom is seeing Time in God's perspective"

I thought it was incredibly smart, and something that I struggle with in my own life.


And then 5 minutes later I saw this bumper sticker.

"Jesus is coming....look busy"

And even though it's a little sacrilegious, I still kinda like it.  Maybe it would a little more fitting if it said "Jesus is coming...GET busy"

There are so many areas in my life that I am lacking in.  I'm certainly not ready for Jesus...are you?

TMI? Probably...

So the big news of the week is I passed my kidney stone yesterday...or at least most of it!  YAY ME!

It was embarrassingly tiny for the amount of pain that it caused.  I think calling it a stone is a bit presumptuous.  They should call it a kidney speck.  Or a kidney smudge.  Or a kidney-if-you-blink-you-will-miss-it-in-the-pee-strainer-thingy.  Though I guess none of those names command the kind of respect that the word "stone" does.

Anyway, I passed the stone but still felt really crappy and was worried that I might have an infection so I went in to work for a couple of hours yesterday and then went to the Dr.  Dr A said I probably only passed part of it and to keep drinking water til I felt like I would puke.  Really?  Water? I can think of many other things I'd rather consume until the verge of puking.  Cookies. Brownies. Ice-cream. Lasagna. Cookies. (Ooh!  That reminds me!  I have cookies in my purse!  Nom Nom Nom!).

So I tried to keep up with my water therapy last night, but really, after you eat 5 a couple pillsbury ready bake sugar cookies for dinner, there's only so much room for water.  I popped another flocase (designed for men with enlarged prostates.  Which I guess is fitting since the mailman thinks I'm a Mr. Anyway)) and swigged another case bottle of water.

Around 4 a.m., in the midst of a Sister Wives Marathon (creepily addictive) I got up for my 987th trip to the bathroom to pee my little guts out.  As I was sitting on the pot, minding my own beeswax, this spider came running at me at breakneck speed!  I panicked because here I was cornered, caught literally with my (under)pants down!  Around my ankles no less!  I didn't have the time (or the manual dexterity for that matter...you know, naked butt and all) to grab a shoe so I just grabbed a piece of toilet paper and squished him.

Or so I thought.  That little bugger was speedy and shot back out of the inadequate piece of TP.  But I was faster and turned again and caught him!  Ha!  Squashed him dead!  I threw the TP in the toity and continued on with my business.  Which really was just #1 people, but the whole spider incident was making it take longer.

Suddenly I felt something running across my bum!  AAAAAAGH IT'S THE SPIDER!!!!!!THERE'S A SPIDER ON MY ARSE!  HELP ME RHONDA!!!

Oh my gosh, breathe!  BREATHE!  No, No, of course it wasn't the spider.  It was just a little run away pee since I stood up in the whole process to catch that damn arachnid.

But it freaked me out for a second.  I mean, really.  Could you imagine the call to my Dr if it really had been?  Um, Hi, Yes, this is Stacy, I was in there earlier today?  Yeah, um, well I passed the stone, but now I have a bigger problem.  It has 8 legs and 4 eyes.  Should I go to the ER again?

Is this really my life?

Trick or Treat?

This weekend I was house/dog sitting for my friends in Park City.  You might remember the Naked Hot Tub incident of '09. 

Yep, same house.

This weekend was going to be insanely busy and I should have said I couldn't sit for them.  Actually, I did say I couldn't sit for them, but then I felt guilty about not serving others, blah blah blah and called them back and said I would do it.  Ok, fine, really it's because she offered to pay me.  But whatever.

I'll spare you all the details of the weekend, but suffice it to say, Saturday was nuts and I was exhausted by the time I got back "home" Saturday night. Sunday I woke up , drove the 50 minutes back to my house and went to church.  I was feeling exhausted, crabby and more than a little sick.

After church, I drove back up to Park City.  I tried to take a nap but the 3 dogs wouldn't let me.  So I threw the ball around for a while, made some cookies, and started feeling more and more sick.  At 6:30 I sent my sister a semi joke text "I think my appendix is bursting".  20 minutes later I decided it was no longer a joke.  She offered to drive up and get me, but I said I would just lay down for a while and see if the pain went away.

Fast forward 1 hour.  I am crying from pain.  I drove myself to the emergency room and told my sis to meet me there.  A few thousand dollars hours later, cat scan results showed I had a kidney stone.  I was all doped up on pain killers (bless you pharmaceutical company) so we had to leave my car there and drive the hour back home.

After a night of the worst pain in my life, a morning of throwing up and crying, hours of restless sleep, I was starting to feel better.  I assumed I had passed the stone, and I was feeling like I got off pretty easily.

Until the Percaset wore off.

I am currently drugged up again and feeling pretty good.  I'm a little afraid of that  4 hour mark though when the pills wear off.

I have been receiving many kind comments and phone calls today.  And then I received these two from my dad and sister:

Dad - So, last year she had a gall stone and this year she has a kidney stone?  Are we sure her head's not full of rocks and they are working their way down her body?

Sister - Either that or since she can't get anyone to give her a diamond, her body knows the only way for her to get some sort of rock is to produce them on it's own.


Ha Ha.  Very funny.

The Difference Between Children and Adults

When I was a child, if I had woken up to this...

in October,

 I would have thought....

"Woo Hoo!  I am so excited!  Awesome!!!!!"

However now that I am an adult, instead I thought......

"@!*X0C@!!"

The Great Cake Debate

Friday we are having our annual Halloween Potluck at work.  I signed up for dessert because, well, that's my favorite food group.  I am thinking about making this:

 Isn't he cute? 

Unfortunately my decision has sparked the instant message Great Cake Debate of 2010 between myself and my friend Cat.


Cat:  He looks so sad
Me:  Well he's about to get eaten. You'd look sad too
Cat:  Lol. But he doesn't know that he's gonna get eaten
Me:  He must suspect. He's made from cupcakes and frosting
Cat:  Do you think he realizes that though? :)


I decided she was probably right and will make a Score Trifle instead.

I love you Kitty Cat!

All in a day's work

I have a secret that I am about to confess to you all.  I am broke.  Ok, so those that know me know that's not really a secret.  But I am.  It's true. Broke as a joke.  Couldn't be because of my shopping habit.  Nope, I'm sure that's not it.

Anywhooo...after much thought I decided a few weeks ago that it was time for me to get a 2nd job.  I called up my old boss Cindy that I worked for a hundred years ago and got a job lickity split at a clothing store.  Now, this might not have been my smartest move.  Because this particular clothing store is part of the reason that I'm broke in the first place.  But I am strong.  I am invincible.   I will use this money for good (bills) and not for evil (darling burgundy, pink and black shirt with shiny buttons).

Tonight was my first night.  I was pretty nervous because I haven't worked retail in a few years.  And this store is pretty large and there are lots and lots of clothes.  And because I'm still running to the bathroom every half hour or so.  Damn Montezuma.  He really did a number on me.

But despite my fears my first night went pretty well.  I helped this really cute lady buy an outfit for her daughter's wedding.  I felt really good during the sale because she kept saying how wonderful I was and that she had been really discouraged before she came in and now she's found something she loves. 

And then I helped this other lady that was a little odd.  She tried on 10 different jackets and didn't like the way any of them fit.  I didn't have the heart to tell her that they were basically the exact same jacket except with different patterns and colors on them.  She just really wanted that jacket.  She ended up leaving empty handed but she told me that I was really nice and she asked if she could give me a hug.  Um, ok, sure.  I guess she didn't see my invisible "I don't hug crazy people" sign.

So the weird hugging incident aside, and the brief germ freak outs, I survived my first night.

And then I came home and had 2 cupcakes for dinner.

The end.

My week in Mexico!

I just got back from a 7 day vacay in Mexico with my family.  

We had a great time.

We......

Enjoyed the view from our patio

 Tried new foods in several delightful restaurants

  

Snorkled with tropical fish (and an eel...yuck!)

Made friends with the locals

 

and even shared a room with one of them.

 We called him Newton, the Newt.

We swam in the Ocean at the private beach at our resort

Walked through the Flea market in downtown Puerto Vallarta

Marveled over many gorgeous sunsets

 And celebrated my birthday with a surprise cake!

A fabulous time was had by all!  

We will take with us many memories of a great week.  

Though the memory that will stick with us the longest 

will definitely be of the place where we all spent the most time each day.

Maybe next time we don't invite good ole Montezuma, ok?

Thanks Mom and Dad!  Sure love you!

Tasty Tuesday - Hot Buns

Hmmm...I might have gotten off subject today.

Enjoy!

Conversations with my sister

Her:  "What?!  They are giving that idiot Brad another chance on the Bachelor?  I hate that show!"

Me:  "Yeah, I know. Soooo STUPID!"

Her:  "You're totally going to watch it, aren't you?"

Me:  "Uh, well yeah...DUH!"

Tasty Tuesday - 8 Ball Zucchini

Ready for round 2 of Tasty Tuesday?  I made this recipe last week and it was so freaking amazing I almost couldn't wait to post it!

A couple of years ago my sister's co-worker gave her an 8 ball zucchini.  It is this cute little(ish) round zucchini that looks, well, like an 8 ball on crack. I guess you are supposed to pick them small but most people pick them when they are a little larger so they can stuff them.  So Stuff them we did!  It was delicious.  Jen made up a recipe with some hamburger, cheese, rice, onions, tomatoes, etc.

This year we decided to grow them on our own.  The seeds got planted a little late but they finally took off and I have a cute little 8 ball zucchini bush.  WAY smaller than the mondo sized regular Zucs I have growing.

I did a little research online and stumbled across an awesome recipe on this blog Never Enough Thyme.  It is so cute and delicious!  I tried to take my own pictures while I was cooking but I just couldn't do it justice like Lana did.  Please check out her blog for the recipe.  You will not be sorry!

One suggestion I would make is drain the bacon fat before cooking the rest of the veggies in it.  Another suggestion is to come hungry.  Because you will eat the whole darn thing and be scraping the inside of the zucchini for more!

Enjoy!

Quote of the Day

"I just had to move my protein shake so I could make room for my chocolate cake in the fridge".

- My friend Katy....a woman after my own heart.

Wordless Wednesday - Heaven and Hell

Tasty Tuesday - Sour Cream Pork Chops

I'm not the world's best cook.  I have to read a recipe a zillion times before and during the whole process because I'm so bad with numbers.  And I certainly can't make up my own recipes like my sister can.  Or my bloggy friend Stephanie that makes amazing looking desserts from scratch!

Anyway, I thought it might be fun to post some favorite recipes every now and then.  Maybe call it Tasty Tuesday?  If anyone wants to participate let me know.  I'd love to feature some of your deliciousness!

My first Tuesday is a recipe that I made last night from All Recipes.com.  I've made it before with pork chops like they suggest, but last night I made it with spare ribs because that's what I had in the freezer.  The sauce is also delicious on top of rice or mashed potatoes.  Yum!

Enjoy!

Sour Cream Pork Chops

Ingredients

• 6 pork chops
• salt and pepper to taste
• garlic powder to taste
• 1/2 cup all-purpose flour
• 1 large onion, sliced 1/4 inch thick
• 2 cubes chicken bouillon
• 2 cups boiling water
• 2 tablespoons all-purpose flour
• 1 (8 ounce) container sour cream

Directions

1. Season pork chops with salt, pepper, and garlic powder, and then dredge in 1/2 cup flour. In a skillet over medium heat, lightly brown chops in a small amount of oil.
2. Place chops in slow cooker, and top with onion slices. Dissolve bouillon cubes in boiling water and pour over chops. Cover, and cook on Low 7 to 8 hours.
3. Preheat oven to 200 degrees F (95 degrees C).
4. After the chops have cooked, transfer chops to the oven to keep warm. Be careful, the chops are so tender they will fall apart. In a small bowl, blend 2 tablespoons flour with the sour cream; mix into meat juices. Turn slow cooker to High for 15 to 30 minutes, or until sauce is slightly thickened. Serve sauce over pork chops.  (Note: I boiled the sauce on the stove until it was nice and thick)

Why can't you be....

When I was growing up I got this question a lot.  "Why can't you be more like your sister?"  Mostly it was from teachers.  "I see your sister is a peer helper.  Why can't you get better grades".  That is an exact quote from my stupid 6th grade teacher. (good thing I don't hold grudges..ha ha!)

These days I get this dreaded question. "Stacy, why aren't you married yet"?  

Of course living in Utah, the capital of getting married at 19, I have gotten this question a lot over the years.  But I get it a lot more now that I am reacquainting myself with friends from highschool and college.  (Ah Facebook...you are a blessing AND a curse).  "Oh Stacy, you were such a social butterfly in college...we all were just trying to keep up with you".   I appreciate that you think I'm so wonderful that I should have been snatched up by now, but clearly it hasn't happened yet, and in case you think I hadn't noticed...I had.

The funny thing is that I think some of these people really want an answer.  Like I know the secret to why I'm not married.  I usually give them a silly answer like  "oh, well you know, all the men keep turning me down when I propose". But the truth is....who the heck knows.

Yes, I came really close to getting married once, many years ago.  This person was wonderful.  The love of my life.  I am probably still in love with him if truth be told.  But the timing wasn't right.  We were in different places in life.  But it wasn't right and that's ok.  Now he is married and has a son.  I hope he is happy in life.

I get LOTS of advice on what to do to find a spouse.  Oh...you should go to singles activities.  Oh, you should go to parties.  Oh, you should go out of your comfort zone.  Oh..you should internet date.   My cousins friend's uncle's neighbor's sister met her husband on blah blah blah.com.  I've been set up on a few blind dates which have gone either really badly, or really great, only to never hear from the person again.

The truth is, I have tried internet dating.  Once.  It was horrible.  I will write about that one of these days.  It's a pretty funny story.

Anyway, I don't know why I'm not married.  Nor do I know why the earth spins on an axis.  Or why my left eye is a little more round than my right eye.  Maybe one day I will learn the answers to all these questions.  But I am happy.  I am single.  I am woman..hear me roar.   I'm ok with it.  Will you try to be ok with it too, please?

I'm still 17...right?

This weekend is a huge milestone....my 20 year high school reunion!  Crazy, right?  There's NO WAY I'm old enough for this. I still remember high school like it was yesterday.  

Now lest you think I'm actually taking part in this momentous occasion, let me set the record straight.  Nope. No way.  Not a chance.  Can I get an Amen?

First of all the tickets are $100 per person.  And why?  Because of the open bar of course.  I don't think this is very fair for all of us non-drinkers.  I'm pretty sure I wouldn't get my 100 bucks worth of Cranberry Juice with gingerale (and a little slice of lime thank you very much).  Add airfare to that and you're looking at a pretty penny for one night of uncomfortableness. (yes, I know that's not really a word).

Second of all, most of the people I went to high school with were pretty mean.  I had some really amazing friends, all of which have decided to skip the reunion as well, but as a general rule my graduating class was filled with a bunch of not very nice people.  Now I know what you're thinking.  It's been 20 years.  They've probably changed. I know I am not the same person that I was WAY back then.  But even if they have, we weren't friends then so the chances of us being friends now is not strong.  Or desired.

And lastly....I'm fat.  And have zits.  And no husband.  3 strikes and I'm out.

So instead I am going to lunch today with one of my college roommates that I haven't seen in 15 years. She found me on facebook!  I'm so excited to see her!  Now I am just trying to figure out how I can lose 30 lbs in the next 2.5 hours.  Maybe I shouldn't have had a donut for breakfast.  Ok. Fine. 2 donuts.  Geez...you guys are so judgy!!

Um...Essscuse me?

Apparently I am having an identity crisis.  The other day I received something in the mail addressed to Mr. Stacy Lxxxx.  It was a little odd, but I didn't think much about it since I have gotten those things before, and Stacy is a very common male name in the South.  When I was little I lived in Georgia and knew a few boys that spelled their name the same way as me.  I hated it.  I was always so jealous of the Staceys or even the Stacies.  And forget about finding a cool rainbow pencil or awesome key chain with my name spelled the right way.

Ooops...back to the subject matter at hand.  My male identity.

Today I signed on to Classmates.com and this ad was waiting for me:

Stacy, more than 6310 women near Salt Lake City want to meet a man like you.

Wait...what?  Are there REALLY 6310 SINGLE women in Salt Lake?  I mean seriously, with that kind of competition it's no wonder I can't even get a date.

I wonder where I could move to that there wouldn't be quite so many women wanting to meet a man like me?

Candy Corns....

While delicious, are not the best choice for breakfast.  I’ve eaten a zillion so far today and my brain is buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzing!  My hands are shaking and my teeth feel like they have sweaters on them from all the sugar.

I curse Brach’s candy for only releasing these once a year!  Ok, not true.  They have them at Easter too.  But that was like 6 months ago and really that’s just too long for me to get my candy corn fix!

HELP!  I need an intervention!  Somebody call A&E!

Dear Blog,

It's me.  Stacy.  You know, your author?  I'm sorry I've neglected you.  You are like a bright shiny toy.  When you were all sparkly new and fresh out of the package I loved you and played with you constantly.  I took you for a spin a few times a week and thought of you every waking moment.

But then, as it often does, life got in the way.  Work got crazy, life became intense and I had a little breakdown.  Everything got pushed aside, including you.  When I wasn't working crazy hours I sat around on my couch and watched a lot of HGTV.  And played Bejeweled Blitz.  And worked in my backyard.  And perfected my chocolate chip cookies, much to my waist line's dismay.

But now things have slowed down at work.  The weather has cooled a bit.  I am feeling more like myself.  And I have decided to refocus my attentions on you, my little friend.  I will start thinking of some awesomely funny topics and get back to work!  Be patient with me...I'll be back soon!!!

Love,
Me

P.S. I will still be making chocolate chip cookies.  No need to change EVERYTHING!

Real Men

A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never stand her up and never let her down. He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires. 

He will make sure she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible.
 No wait... sorry...
I'm thinking of wine.
It’s wine that does all that.

Never mind.  

(sent to me as an email...I agree with these sentiments, though I substitute chocolate for the wine)

What NOT to do when your oven bursts in to flames

1. Panic
2. Stop, Drop and Roll
3. Throw baking soda on it (this only stops grease fires, not electrical)
4. Run to your neighbor's for advice (Sorry Mary!)
5. Get out the marshmallows for S'Mores
6. Curl in to the fetal position in the corner of the room and start rocking back an forth

Just thought you might need this advice.  If only someone had written this blog BEFORE my oven caught on fire this weekend!  The heating element caught fire and burned itself right in half.  Luckily I thought to turn the oven off and the flames went out after an hour.  Ok, it was only a couple of minutes, but it felt like an hour.

The good news is it's fixable.  The other good news is you can use your BBQ grill to make Nachos!  And if your BBQ grill has a gas burner on it like mine, you can make blueberry pancakes for dinner on your back porch at 9:30 p.m. Yep, I'm a thinker!

TMI Tuesday

A few weeks ago I had an appointment with a dermatologist.  I originally made the appointment because I found a couple of spots on my chest that I was worried about and wanted to get checked out.  But in truth, the REAL reason I made the appointment is because I harbor a deep dark secret.

Adult Onset Acne.


Yep, old lady zits.

I know!  It's humiliating!  When I was growing up I NEVER had acne.  I mean seriously never.  Once in a while I would have a pimple and I thought the world was coming to an end.  I always felt SO SORRY for the kids that had terrible acne in highschool.  And I silently gloated was thankful that I had perfect skin.

Until I turned 25.

Since then I've struggled with acne.  I've been embarrassed about it for years.  I know it's all relative b/c I have a friend that truly has terrible acne at age 31, but when you've had perfect skin your whole life it's amplified by a zillion times.  And now I'm 37.  I decided it was time to get this under control.  So I made the appointment with Dr. Ross. For the 2 weeks before my appointment I prayed that this Dr. Ross was not going to look like George Clooney.  You know, Dr Ross on ER?

I went to my appointment and was greeted by yet another a male nurse.  Seriously?  Does UT not have ANY FEMALE NURSES any more???  Dr Ross came in and my fears were confirmed. He was H.O.T.  I was instantly mortified because I knew I was about to embarrass the crud out of myself.

First I  had to show him the spots on my chest.  I pulled down my shirt to the top of my bra, and there was a long hair coming out of my bra.  From my head of course, but HELLO!  Seriously???!!!  I said a silent prayer that he wouldn't notice it.  Or that he would think it was perfectly normal for a 12 inch long hair to be peaking out of a fat girl's bra.

Fortunately the spots were nothing to worry about.  He said they were hereditary.  Thanks a lot, Mom!

The next embarrassing moment came when I said I needed some skin tags removed.  Ugh.  I hate that word. Skin tags.  It's so disgusting.  I had a few dozen  on my neck.  And a gazillion couple under my arms.  He put  on his little glasses that should have made him look nerdy but only exaggerated his gorgeousness and got to business.  A little pain and blood later we were good to go.  He gave me some pills and cream for my face and I got out of there relatively unscathed.

That is until a few hours later when one of the removed skin tags under my arm was hurting and I went to look at it in the mirror at work. I got up close to look at it.  And that's when I noticed it.  The patch of hair that extend all the way across my arm pit (I hate that word too).  I had missed it with my razor!  For who knows how long!  It looked like Sasquatch had taken up residence in there.  I quickly checked my other arm pit , and sure enough, Sasquatch's twin brother.  Can we all say HUMILIATION together?

Poor Dr McHotty was probably throwing up in his mouth the whole time he was working on me.

I'm supposed to go back in October.  I wonder if I can afford laser hair removal by then?

Parlais Vous blah blah blah?

My sister called me a few months ago and asked what I thought about hosting a french person for a few weeks at our house.  We talked about it a little and decided to go for it.  Sis' school is starting a french immersion program and this girl will be the new french teacher.  I guess she's not really a girl...She's 28.  But seeing as I turned 82 at Raging Waters on Monday, she seems like a girl to me. 

Anyhoo....Frenchy is arriving this Friday.  (I've been calling her Frenchy for a while now for lack of a better name.  I mean I'm sure she has a better name, but I don't know what it is yet). I am nervous for several reasons.  First off, me no speaky the French-y.  The only line I know is from that song...and it's dirty. So I probably definitely won't say it while she's here.  Secondly, she doesn't like dogs.  You may or may not know this, but we have 3 of them.  And for someone who doesn't like dogs, 3 seems like a thousand. (Heck, for someone who DOES like dogs 3 seems like a thousand at times).  Hopefully we've found a place for Jag aka Mr. Naughty, and Dandie and I will be house/dog sitting for the first week for my friend.  This just leaves Mimi the Wonder Chihuahua at home with my sister and Frenchy.  And even non-dog lovers LOVE Mimi.  She's just a character and loves everyone....as long as YOU are not a dog that is.

My only true interaction with French people are the ones that call or email me to say they want to rent a powerboat for one day at Lake Powell.  They all start their email with "We are French". Um, ok dude.  And one of them stalked me and threatened to sue me, so you can imagine how I feel about them.  And The Real World Paris.  (Remember when CT and Adam got in that fight in the street?  So intense!!)

So suffice it to say that my perception of the French Folk is not that great.  I am hoping this experience will change my mind on the French.  Because seriously, dudes speaking English with a french accident?  H.O.T!

We are trying to think of things to introduce her to American Culture.  Ever been to Utah?  Yeah, not your typical America.  So far we are taking her to the pool, the Farmers Market, Park City to ride the gondola and to eat at one of the best Mexican joints on the planet (Baja Cantina....mmmmm  I can taste the TJ Taxi now!).

And that's all we've got.

Suggestions?

Tuesday's Top Ten

Top 10 signs that you are too fat old  mature to go to Raging Waters water park:

1. You get there right when the open to avoid standing in any lines

2. Every sentence starts with "For $23 per person you'd think they would ... (have cleaner bathrooms, have more free tubes, have fresh hot dog buns, etc...)

3. After eating your $1 hot dog you wonder if it was worth the dollar

4. You get light headed and nauseous after walking up the stairs to the very first (and subsequently) last water slide of the day.

5. The lazy river is too rapid for you.

6. You fall asleep on the lounge chair and start snoring instead of sitting and talking to your friends.

7. You consider purchasing a swim cap so as not to get your hair wet

8. You tell a child that he is being rude and inconsiderate when he almost runs over you with his tube in the wave pool.  And then seethe when he shrugs his shoulders and paddles away.

9. You briefly consider swimming after that same child and holding him under water for 12 seconds, but then decide not to because you really have to get of the pool to go potty.

10. You are so exhausted and sore that night after 5 hours of laying around in the sun all day that you can't mow the lawn.  Or empty the dishwasher. Or carry on a coherent conversation.

Wordless Wednesday - aka Free Cocker Spaniel day

I probably don't have Alzheimers...

But is 37 too young for early onset?

Yesterday I left the house 20 minutes early so that I could drop Jag the cookoo cocker off at the groomers and doggy day care.  Put him in the car and we drove merrily on our way.  We talked a little on the way.  Ok, I talked, he pretended to listen.  Typical male.

Driving on autopilot as I often do I was about 5 minutes away from work when I looked at the clock and was so pleased to see that I was 15 minutes early!  That is until I looked at the passenger seat and realized the dang dog was still there.   Yep!  I forgot to drop him off.  Needless to say I was 15 minutes late after that.

But don't  worry, it runs in my family.

My sister loves to talk on her cell phone on speaker.  It drives the entire world crazy because you can't ever hear a word that she says.  Yesterday she was talking on the phone to her boss and walking around the house when she heard her boss say "I can't hear you".  Sis thought that was so weird...until she looked down at her hand and realized she was talking in to a piece of paper.  Her phone was about a block away on the kitchen counter.

Did I mention BOTH of my grandmothers had Alzheimers?  I'm sure it's not hereditary.  Oh wait.  It is.  We're toast!

Wordless Wednesday - Happy 1st birthday Monkey Boy!

Not So Wordless Wednesday

No, I haven't seen your lipstick!!!

Why would you even ask me that? I'm insulted! Every time something goes missing around here, everybody looks at me! For your information, I don't even wear that shade - it doesn't flatter my complexion and it tastes terrible. oops...

(fortunately this is NOT my dog!)

Post It Note Tuesday - I'm BACK!!